A visit to the doctor, or “Have you tried not ticcing?”

So … my first visit to the doctor to talk about Tourette Syndrome.

The first thing I should say is that I really didn’t want to go and talk to anybody about this. Remember that it’s a condition I have been living with since the age of about 7, so suddenly showing up at the docs at the age of 42 seemed embarrassing. An admission of failure almost. And I mean, it’s not like my symptoms were too serious or anything, were they? Who was I to think they deserved any kind of attention from the medical community?

Anyway, I managed to shove all the apprehension and embarrassment to one side and actually book (and show up for!) a time. Here’s a rough transcript of what happened, or at least the highlights:

Doc: Good morning, so what can I help you with today.

Mr. Twitchy: Well, I’m not really sure you can, but the thing is … you see … erm, well, I’m pretty sure I’ve had Tourette Syndrome for most of my life, and now I’ve developed a new teeth-grinding tic that I’m worried will cause my physical problems.

Doc (looking dubious at my self-diagnosis): Tourette Syndrome, you say?

Mr. T: Mmmhmm.

Doc: So, do you say inappropriate swear words?

Mr. T: No, actually coprolalia isn’t really that common. The estimate is that about 10% of sufferers have that symptom.

Doc: Ah, been reading up on it have we? (Mr. T’s interpretation: Bloody hell, another patient who thinks they know what’s wrong with them because they’ve looked it up on WebMD!)

Mr. T: Well, yes. (Unspoken: Of course I have you patronising twat. Who wouldn’t? Stop presenting yourself as the high-priest of medicine in pre-Gutenburg days and accept that there are realms of information readily available for anybody with an internet connection).

Doc: Any other tics?

Mr. T: Yes, I have an eye twitch, a sort of nose-scrunch, lip-curl twitch and a sub-vocalised “throat-click”. I also have some kind of compulsion about symmetry.

Doc: Compulsion, eh. Sounds like OCD.

Mr. T: Well, it could well be, partly, though I’m pretty sure at least some of them are tics.

Doc: So this throat clearing …

Mr. T: It’s not throat clearing.

Doc: hmm … this throat clearing. Why do you do that, do you think?

Mr. T: Well, because my brain is telling me to?  (Unspoken: Why the fuck did I come and see you??? I’d rather be undiagnosed and suffering the rest of my life.)

Doc: And now it’s tooth-grinding you say?

Mr. T: Well, sort of. It’s more sort of that I have to touch certain teeth together or it’s just, well, wrong. It’s causing severe pain in my jaw.

Doc: Pain, eh, well I’m sure we can prescribe something for that. Now about the tooth-grinding, have you tried not doing it?

Mr. T: … (Unspoken: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??)

Mr. T: It’s not really a case of trying. I can put it off, but then I have no choice. It’s sort of like trying to hold in a sneeze. And I’d rather not treat the symptom thank you. I’d like to try and address the cause.

Doc: Hmm, well, what do you think we should do about it?

Mr. T: Well, I was thinking a referral to a neurologist would be a good start.

Doc: Oh, I don’t know about that. I think a psychiatrist would be better, don’t you? After all, they’re used to dealing with compulsive behaviour.

Mr. T: Tourettes is actually a neurological disorder you know.

Doc: No, I don’t think so. I think you should see a psychiatrist.

Mr. T: (Mild irritation is starting to show by this point. Anybody that actually knew Mr. T personally would be backing away slowly and talking to him in a soothing voice). And I think I should see a neurologist.

Doc: I’ll tell you what. I’ll make you a deal. I’ll refer you to both.

Mr. T: Fine

Doc: Have a nice day!

Mr. T: I hope there’s a special hell reserved for useless, patronising wankers like you where you have your hands tied behind your back, are smeared in jam and left out for the fire ants. Furthermore, I hope I can swing by from time to time to watch your torment, and perhaps kick you in the nads.

Mr. T: I’m so sorry, did I say that out loud. Must be my Tourette Syndrome. Do have a wonderful day. Tosser!

(OK, I may have made the last couple of bits up … but I was thinking them).